Monday, 13 April 2015

How To: Talk Like a Cyclist - Deeper Edition

So you're already a real cyclist, and you have the new socks to prove it. You're across the Cycling Tips family friendly guide of cycling terms here:

Then why is it that you still have no idea what's going on when you overhear race tales told between two mates? Consider the CT article 'base miles', you've got to do them. Now it is time for specificity!

To fully understand some of the more obscure lingo we need to go deeper.... much deeper.

Proceed at your own risk.....

Bunch: Bike riders, not roses. Two very different smells.

Bunchy: Sprinting the grupetto to the line for no valid reason. "That dickhead took the bunchy for 25th.... they paid to 5th"

Boxed: Unable to move to preferred position. Excuse. "I was boxed in the sprint"

Crystal Cranking: Pedalling as if your cranks are made of crystal and will break at any point. Possibly true for some early model carbon crank-sets. 

Cracked: Destroying the soul of another rider. What Porte did to Dennis for the stage win on Willunga in the 2015 Tour Down Under. 

Compact: The art of keeping a secret about your chain-ring size. "Mate, is that a...".. replied with, "No, no it isn't. It's a 52, semi-compact" 

Chop: Nothing to do with dodgy wheels, they're expected. It is about getting in the money. Discussion of the chop always initiated at a handicap by a scratch rider who is likely to be out the arse early on. A verbal form of payment insurance. 

Foxing: Crystal cranking. Rider is looking for an easy sit. Likely a sprinter.

Frothing: Seen on wet rainy days when someone uses too much chamois cream. They will literally start to froth from their backsides and down their legs. Treat the froth like acid, don't come into contact with it. Contains cooties.

Garmin Vector: A scientifically accurate measurement of how much someone knows about power meters and their reliability. "I honestly judge a person harshly if they post a WTB on Buy/Swap/Sell Road Bikes asking for Vector pedals" 

Hitter: Term of endearment, sign of respect. Unrelated to domestic violence.

Iranian Petrochemical Teams: Comedy act. Like the Harlem Globetrotters, but on bikes, and drugs. 

In the Box: Pushed to your physical limits. "I was out until 3 at a 21st last night and I was in the box from the gun. I was out the arse 5k in."   

Out the Arse: Dropped from the bunch. Off the back. 

Pig Rooting: Similar to head bobbing, more extreme. Looking like you're rooting a pig.

Pulling: See working. Also what riders do post race explaining they would have won if they weren't boxed in.

"ROLL": Used when sitting 2nd wheel in a handicap (or in a break) and the rider on the front is tapping. 

"F'KING ROLL!": See "ROLL", used when lead rider didn't hear you the first time.

Rode them off the back: Isolating a rider who is tapping in the bunch. Performed from 2nd last wheel when they're on the back. You drop the bunch, ride them off the back, then sprint back across yourself leaving them out the arse. If they sprint back across, they're foxing and can be called out on it. It is then your duty to shame them into working. "I rode him off the back to see if he was foxing... turns out he was in the box, didn't see him for the rest of the day. I almost felt bad."

Sit: Opposite of working. Sprinters master this art.

Tapping: See crystal cranking and foxing. 

The Gutter: The worst possible place to ride a bike in a cross wind.

The Gun: The start of the race. Out of courtesy, don't attack here. Please. 

Working: Actually contributing to the bike race. Opposite of sit. 

UP UP UP! (Hup for Euro coolness): A call to arms (but using legs) shouted by riders foxing who don't want to chase an attack themselves.

I'm sure I've missed a ton. Add yours to the comment section below. :) 


Benjamin said...

"Breathing out the arse" is worthy of a mention

neil said...

gentlemans agreement: a discussion about not attacking for a while. often made, never honoured.

Unknown said...

Breathing through a straw